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Thursday, September 29, 2011

60 Things I've Learned from the Movie "Megafault"

1. Earthquake killed ten miners instantly but took its time to chase the foreman, even waiting for him to get in his truck

2. An earthquake movie is sponsored by Quaker Oatmeal

3. Earthquake in Kentucky knocked over the Washington Monument but none of the windows in Washington shattered and nothing in the hundreds of miles between the two places were damaged

4. Earthquakes don't "move" and they don't have "paths"

5. When the foreman is rescued from his truck five hours later he can still run faster than anyone else even though he hasn't moved that whole time

6. After the foreman is rescued the earthquake comes back and chases him some more

7. Earthquake tries to suck a helicopter from the sky

8. Only buildings in the "path" of the earthquake get destroyed, all surrounding buildings are spared

9. Earthquake can toss a car like a toy in a wind tunnel but can't even shake the people trying to outrun it on foot

10. Buildings break into large jagged pieces like in children's drawings

11. When planes lose contact with the control tower they immediately crash because they're "flying blind" even on perfectly cloudless days

12. The earthquake is very slowly moving across the United States and will split it in half

13. Earthquakes do not work that way

14. When planes lose contact with the control tower the "transponder" causes the engines to explode, even though they're not connected and a transponder is just a radio transmitter and you can turn it off with no ill effects to the plane

15. A satellite from 1989 has a beam that can instantly freeze the water table of an area, causing an earthquake, somehow

16. "Megafault" is the least accurate movie ever

17. "Megafault" is the most cornball movie ever

18. Earthquakes can chase things with fireballs

19. "Stop the truck!" "I can't there's an earthquake on our tail!"

20. Government building is built on a "gyroscope" so earthquakes can't get in

21. The people who made "Megafault" (The Asylum) don't know what words mean or how anything works

22. "Megafault" is less accurate than the movie where an electric demon brought a black hole to earth ("The Black Hole" 2006)

23. There's only one seismologist in the world and she's the main character

24. The only things that can stop an earthquake are another earthquake or the Grand Canyon because it's already a hole in the ground so it absorbs earthquakes

25. A helicopter can outrun a laser

26. Earthquakes are only as fast as whoever they chase

27. When a laser shuts off the beam sucks back in

28. Thermodynamics means nothing in the world of "Megafault"

29. "P-waves have dissipated to 40" doesn't mean anything

30. Earthquakes can be frozen

31. A geologist said "mantle, what mantle" even though he's 60 years old and should know the earth has a mantle by now

32. Destabilizing the mantle with an ice laser causes people to spontaneously combust, leaving all their clothes unsinged.

33. An ice laser can set off a volcano

34. SyFy movies are even much worse than SciFi movies

35. "Why can't we move the Grand Canyon?"

36. One miner created an entire series of interconnected coal mines in Wyoming

37. Coal mines do not work that way

38. It is possible for one team, given only two hours, to fill 35 mines with a few crates of explosives and create a canyon

39. Earthquakes like to follow certain people and kill others who just appear in one scene instantly

40. "You can't outrun these explosives" but he can outrun five earthquakes in one day

41. 20 million tons of TNT

42. 20 million tons of TNT looks like a few small crates

43. Earthquakes really hate certain people

44. "Megafault" ends with a satellite image of a hundred mile deep split in the country

45. In movies redemption = death

46. In "Megafault" redemption = death

47. To make up for his crappy life the foreman had to die to save the world

48. The Asylum made "Megafault"

49. The Asylum made "Megafault" so that explains but in no way excuses it

50. "Birdemic"

51. "Birdemic" is a zero-budget 2009 ripoff of "The Birds"

52. "Birdemic" is even worse than "Megafault"

53. The miner foreman is appropriately named Boomer

54. "Megafault" is a mockbuster of a made for TV movie "10.5"

55. Even though "the President" is mentioned throughout the first half of "Megafault" he never makes an apperance in the movie

56. The whole meeting "the President" theme of the first half hour of "Megafault" is mysteriously dropped and never mentioned again

57. The Asylum had to contact NASA to calculate how bad "Megafault" is

58. "Megafault" has more stupid things than "Paycheck"

59. Good actors are willing to perform in crap movies

60.